Thursday, October 04, 2007

Going to Borneo by way of Chef Ramsay

I became such a fan of Hell's Kitchen the last two seasons that I couldn't wait to watch the newest offering from that British Culinary Tasmanian Devil, Chef Ramsay. Last night was the second night of the show, and I found myself flipping the channels and feeling a little bored. Oh, no!

With Hell's Kitchen, although Chef screams, yells, curses and abuses those folks, you start liking him; you can't help it, and you find a couple people that you become fond of and you want to see how it all turns out over the course of the season.

With this new show, it's all resolved in one episode, which is nice, but it makes it hard to become fond of anybody. Last night, I felt fond of the Eating Bowls owner, but thought his wife was annoying and the wait staff invisible, and that just left the odious...Mike? Brian?....see what I mean? I can't even remember the name of the Manager.

The first episode had been about an Indian restaurant that was a complete cockroach-ridden mess, and it had lots of scurrilous characters to despise, and some to hope for, and it reminded me a little bit of the long-suffering Babu from Seinfeld.

But the Mixing Bowl (not really called "Eating Bowls"; I just made that up to see if you were paying attention) didn't seem to be in that bad of shape, and the menu didn't seem that dismal, and the ending wasn't that hopeful. I'll still keep watching, because there are bound to be better episodes ahead, and it's always fun to watch Chef Ramsay tell it like it's just that this episode really didn't do much for me.


But that's not what I came here to talk about. I came here to talk about Misheard Lyrics. You know how you get a song in your head and it won't come out, and you love it and you sing it and you imagine the feeling of what it's all about? One of those songs for me is Santeria, by Sublime.

In it, a man is hurting because his heina (Latino Queen) has found a new Sancho. The singer wants to pop a cap into Sancho and he wants to slap her down. Just as you finish picturing this angry response, the song turns sad, poignant and lyrical, and it sweeps me along every time.

What I really want to say, my baby,
what I really want to know is
way back when,
in our day...When my soul lifted wings?

Just the idea of his soul lifting wings from love of this heina makes me adore this song. Reflecting back on his anger to the good times that went before. Then the next lyric swings back into the anger and retaliation again:

Tell Sanchito that if he knows what is good for him
He best go run and hide
Daddy's got a new .45
And I won't think twice
To stick that barrel straight down sancho's throat
Believe me when I say that I got something for his punk-ass

Okay, that's violent and Spanish-Harlemy, but don't you want to use that last line in conversation somewhere? I've got something for your punk-ass! Don't Mess With ME! One of these days, Alice, Straight to the Moon! I keep looking for opportunities to use it, but somehow telling the mild-mannered mailman who is always late with my mail that I've got something for his punk-ass if he doesn't get more punctual seems a little bit like overkill.

Then he goes on to say,

I gotta get out, I feel the break, feel the break!
And I gotta let it out
Daddy's gonna love Borneo!
And when I get back, I'll find a new heina
And my soul will lift it's wings!

Well! How can you not love a song where the guy gets to go to Borneo to heal from a broken heart? Borneo! Wow! That's so far away! It's so primitive! Does he have cousin's living there? Or is it just a random tropical escape? Did he just close his eyes and point to a spot on the spinning globe? Or had he read about Borneo as a child and now was the perfect time to go there? And how did he get the money? He just bought a new .45 and those don't come cheap. Anyway, it's wonderful and enchanting to me that's he's taking off to Borneo to get a soul lift.

Except of course that's not what the lyrics really say! Because I looked them up and now it's all spoiled for me! There is no Borneo! There is no soul lifting wings!

What I really wanna know (my baby)
What I really wanna say, I can't define
Well it's love that I neeeeeed
My soul will have to

Wait till I get back
Find a heina of my own
Daddy's gonna love one and all
I feel the break, feel the break, feel the break
And I gotta live it out

So really, he's just going down to the 7/11 for some smokes and then he's going to hit up every Senorita in town. The songwriter missed a great opportunity not to include Borneo in his lyrics! If he hadn't died of a heroin overdose shortly after this song was released, I'd hunt him down and tell him I've got something for his punk-ass!

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