Monday, September 18, 2006

Coreless in Sacramento

Yesterday was the 17th, and that marked the One Month Point until my 50th birthday. I seemed to do fine with it except for the niggling little feelings of guilt, disappointment and suppressed horror concerning my lack of commitment to my goals, my fitness level, my weight, my lifestyle, and my spiritual growth.

I happened to catch a rerun of that Oprah episode in which she has Dr. Mehmet Oz come and tell everyone just what they need to do to feel years younger, achieve perfect health and fitness and die happy, just by eating 5 perfect foods. Oh, and doing 25 bent-knee push-ups each day and 25 Core sit-ups. As I was watching it, I wanted to shout at the tv: What the hell is a CORE? Do I have one? Where is it?

I mean, I know that I have a stomach that gets hungry, and I know I have a spine, but if I try to locate my core, I don't actually have a sensation of it. Do you have one? Do you know where it is? Can you help me find mine?

I’ve heard about my CORE before. They are forever telling you to do core-strengthening exercises and to tighten your core before you do leg lifts or confront your boss. I always thought I knew where mine was but frankly, now I realize I haven’t got a clue!

Out of guilt, and just to give it the old ‘heave-ho/one more try’ attitude, I rolled out of bed and made it to 10 bent-knee push-ups before I gave out and caused a rug burn on my chin when I skidded to a halt face down on the carpet. But I felt good about that.

Then, I flipped myself over like a sludgy, syrup-soaked pancake; careful not to ooze out over the sides or anything, and attempted to strengthen my core by doing the bent-knee sit-ups that he described.

Prior to hearing about doing it from my core, I had always put my hands behind my neck and just jerked. That causes a rocketing forward of the upper body, thus propelling me into a sitting-up position. Falling backwards in exhaustion completes part two of the two-part sit-up. Now, after 49 11/12ths years of this, I’m being told this yanks my neck all out of whack and doesn’t utilize my core!

Okay, so I put my hands over my eyes and left my arms limp, and proceeded to sit up, using only my CORE. And now I know what a paraplegic who’s been tipped out of his/her wheelchair feels like. Because NOTHING HAPPENED. I couldn’t budge. My core did not rise to the ceremony and lift me into a strengthening and soul-feeding sit-up. I flailed! I floundered! I gasped like a beach-tossed porpoise but to no avail! NO CORE came to my rescue to set me free on the tide of Total Fitness. I’m doomed. And I feel like a total failure.


PEA said...

ROFL I loved this!! Finally someone else who feels like I do! lolll As for what the "core" is, I have absolutely no idea either!! Mama never taught me about no never taught me about no core either! Hmmmm, maybe this is one of the mysteries of life??? Hugs xox

Anonymous said...

I saw a picture of a lady rolling about on a Huge beach ball thing, and there was something about her "strengthening her core".

I didn't get it then, and I still don't!! I know apples have cores, but people??? I, too, must be doomed!!

Queen Q

Miss Pink Ponsonby said...

a friend of mine suggested I get a giant rubber ball and work on my core by rolling around on it. Where would I put a giant rubber ball in my tiny apartment? Nonsense!

Puss-in-Boots said...

I've worked for orthopaedic surgeons who used the phrase "core exercises" and I still don't know what the core part is!!!

Never mind - live fast, die young and have a good looking corpse Lol A bit macabre, I know, but it rather appeals to me.

June said...

You are so funny--I've laughed so hard reading this. I've no idea what the "core" thing is either--never heard of it before (except an apple core as Queen Q mentioned). My doctor told me to forget all the goofy advice and just get out there and walk. I'm going to try that, really I am.

Miss Pink Ponsonby said...

Yes, June! I am going to implement walking, too! It's just a matter of time! Soon. Almost immediately. Certainly by next week or the week after that! I've got some walking slated and 'penciled in' for mid-January some time. I also tried some more 'core' exercises and it just made my belly fat feel all burned and pinched. It could rise up against me if I ever do that to it again so I'd better let sleeping fat lie!

Janet said...

I laughed so hard I almost choked on my coffee! I know exactly how you feel about all this.

I always thought apples were the only things with cores!