Monday, April 24, 2006

The Death Sofa

In honor of reaching the 1000 visitors mark on my blog, I've decided to treat you all with a picture of the Sofa of Death. It may look innocent and comfy, kind of like the sofa your Gramma has, but I assure you it wields an awesome power to torture, maim and even kill anyone who dares to sit upon it. Don't mess with the cushions!

This little love seat was originally part of a pretty floral duo that I found in one of the local estate liquidator stores. It cost more than a brand new Ethan Allen Furniture Gallery Custom sofa and loveseat, but I was blinded by love of the floral upholstery. I knew nothing, then, about quality construction and the tensile strength of sofa springs.

When the sofas were first delivered and arranged in my living room, I began to notice an odd smell emanating from them. After a weekend of puffs of pork wafting up as I passed by, I did a thorough upholstery shampoo and vacuum. It was then that the cockroaches came out.

I fought hard and eventually won the cockroach battle, but the sofas had a "Burned Bacon ala DDT" scent to them forever after.

A few years passed. The full sized sofa died a saggy and threadbare death and had to be removed without a funeral. This may have triggered the love seat to take it's revenge on me for splitting them up, because one day...

One day I was lounging on the love seat talking on the phone when from the back of the sofa I heard a sharp, metallic Ping rather like a projectile bullet or the twang of an arrow as it flies, followed by a gush of blood and my own terrible screams. The sofa had sprung a spring!

Yes, gentle readers, it actually pierced my ankle with the end of the shattered spring. From then until this day, I have lived in awesome fear of the Sofa of Death. I know of what it is capable. I keep it shrouded in a quilt and extra pillows, the spring mended and battened with thick cotton padding, but I know that one false move and someone--myself or a friend--could meet their doom should that sofa decide to pierce their heart with another broken spring.


Homeschoolin' Mama said...

I had a friend who had a loveseat that looked almost identical to yours...I took a doubletake, because I thought what if it's the same person? Then I remembered your picture, in which your hair is very cute by the way, and you're not the same person. But I do like your loveseat! What can I say, I'm a goof!

Miss Pink Ponsonby said...

It's scary to think there may be TWO death sofa's out there! eeek! I notice you do not offer to take this one off my hands....ha ha ha ha!