Mood Swings and Secrets

Pre-sunburn

Well, I've just been having so much fun there hasn't been a moment to indulge in blogging!

I got to go down to Stockton this weekend and see my lovely cousin and her husband, whom I have not seen in over 5 years. It was emotional and fun, and just a very, very fulfilling couple of days!

They work for a fishing tournament company, and are usually on the east coast, but got to come west just this one time..so this was my first opportunity to tag along and see all the sights and delights of the bass fishing tournament world!

During the morning, the teams of fisherman are out on the Delta catching bass, but later in the day they drive their trucks and boat trailers back to the tournament site and have their fish weighed. They get to be up on stage and are interviewed for the weigh in.

Apparently there is much hoopla over the secret tips and tactics of the successful fishermen. And so each person interviewed was asked, in one form or another, "without giving away too many secrets, how did you manage to catch such a big fish?"  Sometimes they were asked different questions, like how they got into fishing, or how their family supported their particular hobby, or how they liked their teammate, etc;  And the answer was ALWAYS some variation of: "Well, I don't want to give away any of my secrets, but..."

They all fish with a partner in the boat, and its someone they don't know so that they are there to keep the fisherman honest. I don't know how that works, what with having to keep your fishing secrets safe while in the same boat with a stranger who had his own fishing secrets to keep, but somehow they manage.

I suspect the secret is they load up on beer and just catch the fish without any secrets at all.

One of the questions, then, that the interviewer will ask is, "How did you like fishing with this guy?" And of course the answer is something along the lines of, "Well, he didn't steal any of my secrets and he was a good fishing buddy."

One young fella had us all in hysterics, though, when he was asked that question. Because his reply was so psychological he took us all off guard!

Announcer: So, without giving away any secrets, how was it fishing with this guy, here?

Fisherman: Well, he has mood swings. First, he'll be all happy and upbeat, and then later he'll be all down and depressed.

It was so unexpected that I was bent over laughing. We managed to make that remark the tag line for the rest of the weekend.

There are more tales to tell but I'll have to tell them another day! It's the mood swings, you know!

No secrets among friends

The Wise Oracle

Just for the halibut I did a quickie, free tarot reading online. My question was....

Will I meet a new love?

The card drawn was:

The Hermit.

I guess that answers that question.

Wisdom of the Elderly

I've had this really, really irritating squeak in my dashboard for some time now. It's especially noticable on the freeway. That car--now 9 years old--has been a gem of stability, but it hasn't been holding up well lately.

Little things. Like the plastic casing around the seat belt broke off, and now I have to touch boiling hot bare metal in order to fasten my seat belt or release it.

I can't very well justify buying a brand new car just because of a little inconvenience like that, though. Even if it needs a new paint job, the windows don't roll down anymore, and it's started to get that little wet dust smell you find in really old cars.

The squeak, though, might just send me over the edge. I have to drive with one of my fingers pressing down on the dashboard, as that slight bit of compression seems to take care of it.

I was driving Miss Daisy somewhere this week, and she said that noise was just about the most annoying thing she'd ever heard.

"You know what I'd do to fix that?" she asked, "I'd wedge a piece of paper up in there and that will take care of it."

So I tried it and it DID!

Minor TV Personality

Well! I did it! I managed to make it through my TV appearance without saying or doing anything stupid! Whew! What a big relief!

It was pretty exciting to go to the Fox 40 studios. It's been about 45 years since I was in a television studio and obviously things have changed: we have computers now, and...electricity.

What surprised me is just how dark and silent the studio is while the news is being aired live. Everything is on monitors and on the laptops of the newscasters, and the rest of the room is dark and silent. The cameramen, editors, etc; all whisper and creep about in the dark. It was cool.

The kitchen was not in a separate room, but just along the back behind the anchors. So we had to creep in quietly and set up our display, etc; It became quickly apparent that there would be no way to pull my muffins out of the oven and make a big show of them being piping hot and all that so we just ditched that idea and set them on the table with the rest of the goodies.

The news is over at 8:55 in the morning and then we did our 5 minute segment and then basically those guys are done for the day! It's a Wrap! So they hung out with us and talked and ate our food, which I LOVED! My cousin M. Jean had been on TV once, featuring her hand-made antique boxes, and although the guy interviewing her for the piece ranted and raved during the segment, the moment it was over he took off his mike and booked...leaving her feeling a little bereft. She later wondered if he liked her items at all or if it was just for show!

There was no doubt about that in my case. We talked about food and family and care giving, AFTER the cameras had stopped rolling. It was so awesome!

The man who did the segment is Paul Robins...a very semi-famous local dude who was part of a morning radio team Phil and Paul in The Morning before coming to do the morning news on Fox 40 here in Sacramento.


He's a professional--at ease and in his element--but you don't get the impression that he's being professional, you get the impression that he's hanging out having a GREAT time and you should just hang out with him. It was so much fun!

Right before they filmed us, they brought us the mikes. I told them, 'Don't mike me! I don't want to have to talk!" Paul told me, "Don't be nervous!"

I responded with, "I'm not nervous! I just don't want to TALK! I'll screw up!"

Paul said, "Oh, if you've ever watched this show you'll know we are very good at screwing up! It happens all the time!"

My boss kept telling me, "Don't curse. Don't talk about the health care plan. Don't say I'm an idiot or a bad boss..." I told him, "OMIGOSH stop telling me what NOT to say! I'll IMPRINT on that and just blurt out everything all in one babbling tirade....

"These muffins are great how in the HELL can we justify how expensive this war is and yet not be willing to pay for health care for our own citizens my boss SUCKS and these muffins taste like SHIT and SHINOLA!"

You can see how FRAUGHT this was! Boss Man finally said, "Just relax and be yourself."

I looked at him with real pity, then. I patted him on the arm and in my most sincere, deadpan yet compassionate voice said, "No, Buck, that's exactly what you DON'T want me to be."

He took that in, shook his head in agreement and said, "I think you're right. You'd be up on this kitchen island SINGING and DANCING in the RAIN."

A Wrench in the Works

I'm so glad there is all this attention out there about the Beatles. I love the Beatles! I'd get that new Beatles Game in a heartbeat! If I had a heartbeat. Which I don't.

Because I'm a zombie. A Test Kitchen Zombie.

Here's what is happening with me:

I've been working 12 hour overnight shifts. Now, these are called 'sleeping shifts' meaning that I'm guaranteed 6-8 hours of sleep during that 12 hours. It pays a flat rate and is much, much less than my normal hourly wage, but if it works, it's like free money: money while you sleep.

Unless the person you are caring for rings her little bell every flappin' 20 minutes throughout the night wanting her hair brushed, her sheets straightened, help transferring to the potty, etc; Then it's like Night Hell. And then when the 12 hours are over and you have to go do your NORMAL work shift and your NORMAL daily activities, it becomes DAY HELL...all blended together into a sort of zombie fog.

An Example: My doorbell rang yesterday just as I lay down for what I thought might be some catch-up sleep. It was my neighbor and he asked me if I had a wrench he could borrow.

And I could not for the life of me figure out what he meant by a wrench. My mind conjured up NO picture, and NO symbols and no definition of that word. Floating in the distance was a vague awareness that it might be a tool of some kind.

That's just how tired I am. And last night was the same only less sleep so today I was just longing to crawl into bed and remain there for the entire day.

Except when I went to my car to drive home, it wouldn't start. Dead Battery. I had to call AAA and have them deliver and install a new one for me, thereby wiping out my entire life savings and all my petty cash.

Good Times.

I made it home at last, closed the door behind me and relaxed on the bed thinking...Ahhhhh...when the phone rang and it was the Big Boss reminding me that on Friday we are going to be on TV doing a cooking segment.

And would I mind whipping up a few recipes and getting together a presentation and all that before tomorrow morning?

He had a few ideas and some guidelines (this is food for seniors, after all, and thus needs to take into account special dietary needs like low sodium, etc;) and then with perfect confidance that I was the girl for the task, he hung up the phone leaving me a jibbering idiot of fear.

And thus I whipped up these totally imaginary, utterly delicious, thoroughly sleep-deprived Zombie Pecan Muffins.

Anyone living in the Sacramento Fox 40 broadcast area can see me, the writer behind Miss Pink Ponsonby's Swell Soiree, on Sept. 11th, Friday morning, 8:55 am on Fox 40.

It will be a 10 minute presentation, and I've begged my boss not to let them mike me. He can make me go but he can't make me talk! Because I'll start babbling about wrenches, I just KNOW it!

Pushing the Season

Okay, it's only Labor Day weekend, but I am really in the mood for fall, now! I think I'm always pushing the season when it comes to the end of summer.

I had to dig out the fall-leaf table cloth and the vase of fake leaves!

Brie? Brie? Brie? Brie? Brie? Brie? Brie? Brie?

At the River on Friday

Well, where have I been, you ask? Working, entertaining, working, sleeping, not-sleeping...

Last week I was given the treat of attending a local production of CATS with one of my ladies and her friends and family. Lots of pictures were taken but not by me, and although people always promise to post the pics or email them to you...they never seem to arrive! So until then, I'll hold off on writing a funny blog about that day!

This weekend I went with a fellow caregiver and 7 friends to the Elk Grove/Laguna Comedy Under the Stars Event. I haven't laughed that hard in years! The comics were great, of course, but the laughter came from the people we were with.

This event is held in the park where there is a nifty amphitheater. Everyone brings blankets or low beach chairs (no high-back lawn chairs allowed) and lots and lots to eat and drink. The lady, Bee, who had organized getting the tickets for us was the Hostess with the Mostest! We were sitting in a semi-circle around her copious cooler and she spent her time opening it and bringing out treat after treat. Wine, dessert wine, prosciutto, cheese, shrimp, more cheese...it was awesome and fun and so gourmet.

But the funny part is that even though all eyes were upon her like little trained circus dogs waiting to have a tidbit popped into our mouths, she would take out a food item and politely ask each and every single one of us along the row if we would like some. She never slacked off or varied in her delivery, either.

So the conversation would go like this:

Bee: Oh, Karla, you brought chocolate wine I'd love to try some of that! Shrimp? Shrimp? Shrimp? Shrimp? Shrimp? Shrimp? Shrimp? Shrimp?

Karla: Yes, I'd love some shrimp. The wine is boysenberry with chocolate undertones it's probably just a flashy gimmick to get you to buy it!

Bee: Well, I love chocolate but I don't like Merlot so I'm willing to try it just to see if it tastes like Merlot or chocolate. Brie anyone? Brie anyone? Brie anyone? Brie anyone? Brie anyone? Brie anyone? Brie anyone?

****
The show was from 8-10 but people gather to drink and eat by six o'clock, so everyone was pretty much smashed and in a rip-roaring mood by the time the comics started. Of course us ladies must make frequent trips to the powder room, and we have to travel in packs...and as usual there was a long line for the ladies room and none for the men's room.

A gentleman graciously offered to guard the door for us if a few of us wanted to go use the men's room and since we were next in line we trooped over there and used those facilities. We were laughing our heads off and not thinking a thing about it, but when we all exited the men's room there were about 15 men standing in line waiting! Looking pained! And hopping from foot to foot! I guess beer will do that to a fella.

As we joyously left their company there were many parting shots back and forth about 'now you know what it feels like' and 'guess you females wear the pants in your family!' etc;

Giggling in glee we raced back to our seats in time for the opening act, whose first salvo had us all screaming and cheering because he said, " What a Town, Elk Grove! Where the women use the men's bathroom!"

Picnic Impromptu

It's hard to think of picnics this morning because it's so cold outside and yet it was just a couple days ago when I was in the summer-lovin' feeling and had an impromptu picnic in the park.

It started with me eyeballing that fun bag I made a while ago, out of some Mary Engelbreit fabric I had leftover from this apron:

I had carried it a time or two as a purse, but it just didn't feel right.

So I decided to give it a new reincarnation as a picnic bag...without having to kill it first, of course, and do the whole rebirth-as-a-dog thing. Maybe I should just say I recategorized it? That's the word!

So I stuffed some things in the bag; cute napkins and a small table cloth that would fit. Made a sandwich, grabbed an apple and a water and I was ready to go!

Complete with Scabbers the Rat sneaking by in the background.

The Importance of Lying on Things

I don't know what it is...

It must be important...

It might be in his DNA...

But whatever it is...

Mackie HAS to lie on things.

Skirting the Issue

It seemed like a good idea in my mind.

I planned it out. I went through all my vintage fabrics to find the perkiest ones. I lay them out and observed them. I carefully cut the pieces out and sewed them into the skirt front...

And then it dawned on me!

What was, in my mind, a darling little vintagey-perky pool wrap skirt...had suddenly manifested itself into CLOWN WEAR!!!!!

As if it weren't enough to hang out at the pool with my boob exposed, here I was creating a skirt that would GUARANTEE that I get ALL eyes pointed right at ME.

I was in a dither. I had nowhere to turn! I didn't know how to salvage this mess!

But then I just remembered my default sewing choice and turned this gaudy mess into a very cute apron.

Then I got out some of my other cute, vintage, perky fabric and made a much CALMER pool skirt. I think this is much better, don't you?

That will teach me not to drop acid before I sew!

Two Dollah, Two Dollah!

Obviously, I'm into scrimping and saving a buck. So I love it when I discover something that is fun to do and really cheap.

Which is why this last month of August I've been enjoying the pool. It's Two Bucks to get in!

So I arm myself with some staples and away I go:



Blue, blue waters = heaven.

My downstairs neighbor has two wonderful cats that I like to greet through the screen as I come home each day. Every once in a while their 'momma' is home so I go in and chat with her for a while. If my bag is heavy, Milo the blue-point Siamese likes to come over and Lie upon my purse! KJ, the black cat is curious and friendly, but not about to invade my space! He's too polite!

It's just so darn funny to me. Cats: We can't understand them, and we can't live without them.

Yes, that's a head of cauliflower in the bag.

A Three Hour Skirt

If it wasn't for the courage of the Fearless Crew...

This skirt would be lost! A Three Hour Skirt...A Three Hour Skirt...

Back in the...um...70's...I wore skirts every day. I had every color, and every length and every fabric...but it was ALL THE SAME EXACT PATTERN. Because I LOVED this skirt pattern. I could whip up a skirt from this pattern in 45 minutes. I was awesome.

The skirt had a side-opening waistband. It opened over the pocket. It was the coolest thing! It kept me from having to have a pounds-enhancing elastic waist, or from having to screw around with a zipper. (I loathe zippers...who doesn't?)


I've been thinking about that skirt a lot, lately. I've lain in bed nights remembering how it went together. The pocket formation was tricksy. And it's been a long time since I've drafted anything other than a purse or some curtains without a pattern. But I wanted to give it a try...

Warning: Skirt has been folded to appear smaller than actual size.

It took 3 hours. Three hours of sweating blood, broken needles and seam ripping, but I finally got it!

And I LOVE it!!!!

So what if I look like I'm wrapped in a giant hunk of drapery which smells slightly like it's been in a fire in a single-wide trailer?

Yet Another Canning Apron

Sometimes I think I'm like that donkey that walks in a rutted groove all it's life making the wheel on the grindstone turn. Given a day off, it just walks in circles around the field.

Because even though this is a day off and the world beckons, I've made yet another Granny's Canning Apron.

To Pulp or Not to Pulp

This post is going to be a loose collection of random topics...odds and ends that I've had rattling around in my brain for some time.

First of all, I'm quite addicted to that new show "Hoarders". Has anyone seen it? It is just riveting to see the kind of scary crap people hoard! They fill their entire living space with garbage, rotting food, etc; Unable to let go of anything, they come up with convoluted lies and stories as reasons for keeping their stuff.

Last night I watched in horror as a woman dug through a ROTTING PUMPKIN that had fallen into goo on her living room floor, desperate to keep some of the seeds because she couldn't let go,while the guy with the shovel trying to scoop up the mess was gagging and looking queasy for the camera!

I live my life as somewhat of a Reverse Hoarder! I am obsessively tidy and can't abide a cluttery mess.

Perhaps I shouldn't introduce you to my garage... but what the heck!

This is it! I got this little yellow cabinet (originally fire engine red) at a yard sale many, many years ago for 5 bucks. I have used it for everything from storing linens to dishes to bathroom items. But it seems to have found a permanent use as my Apartment Garage.

Everything that other people would put into their garage has gone into this little cabinet. Tools, paint, glue, tape, sandpaper! And it's a CLUTTERY MESS! There, I've admitted it! I've tried and tried to make it tidy, and it just won't comply. You can't neatly fold an electric drill because believe me, I've tried.

Next Random Thing:

What is up with this sudden thing in the Orange Juice world? Pulp. No Pulp. Some Pulp. Slight Pulp. Less Pulpy than Termite Dust but More Pulpy than Sodden Newspapers Left in the Rain...

All I want is a glass of semi-real Orange Juice. So my question is: to Pulp or Not to Pulp? I'm not so naive that I think just becuase it has More Pulp in it, it has been processed LESS than the stuff that is thin, watery and doesn't have so much as a molecule of orange matter in it. For all we know, the stuff with More Pulp has FAKE PULP added at the very end of the wash cycle. We don't know. We JUST DONT KNOW!!!!

I picked up this awesome fall-floral print KING size sheet at the thrift store. It had no wear on it at all and I couldn't pass it up. I think I got it for 75 cents, as they were having a 30% off sale at the Salvation Army Store. I plan on making napkins and an apron (of course!) but then I'm going to try and do some kind of skirt or tunic top out of the rest of the fabric. I just like how vintage and mid-century it looks.

Finally, I want to say that I HATE FLEA BITES. I really, really hate them! This is a picture of ONE flea bite on my ankle. It's about a week old, and as you can see, it is STILL inflamed, red and itchy. And HUGE. One single flea did this to me. It itches and itches and stings and burns and it doesn't show any signs of abating. I've used everything from Ben Gay to Camphophenique to Vaginal Itch Cream, and nothing has helped.

I even made the sign of the cross on it with my thumbnail, per my Granny Brown's instructions. But nope, this flea bite is even going to deny the supremecy of God.

I just hope I don't die from it, and not before I've learned which kind of orange juice is better.

Baby Shower Featuring...Cannibal Cake!

Every family has it's skeletons in the closet...apparently mine has a cannibal in it.

Men Are Now Officially Obsolete

I'm pretty much dancing a jig over my new 1 GIG!

Having discovered that the only thing I really needed to do to my computer was update the RAM (I only had 512mb which back in the day was SO MUCH MEMORY) and I'd be good to go, I was elated! All this time I've been operating so slowly that it's been a real chore to get anything done.

Having discovered what it would cost me to have a Computer Guy put that RAM in my computer, I decided it would behoove me to do it myself. So I did!

I went and found the book that came with the computer and read the instructions.
I went online and found out the exact type of RAM I needed. (Rimms, Dimms, RD-Dimms, or what?)

I went to the Microsoft website and read up on how to install it.
I went to FRYE's and bought the RAM I needed, along with a $1.99 part called a watch battery that I thought I should probably replace after 9 years of using the original one that came with the computer!)
I installed the new RAM, and the new battery, and VIOLA!!!!

I am now the proud owner of one entire GIG of RAM, and also the proud owner of my own cojones!

Because, believe me, it's pretty scary staring into the dark bowels of my computer innards and trying to figure out which slot I'm supposed to click the new RAM card into! But when it comes right down to it, it's really quite, quite easy!

So, okay, maybe all men are not obsolete, but my need for a computer geek techie guy has expired!

And of course the need for my Main Man Mackie will never become obsolete: Look how cute he looks using the edge of the mirror as a pillow. How does he think these things up?

Chickens Change

My chickens got evicted from the bathroom when I went to a white on white look in there, so since then they've been looking for a new coop.


I guess this will do!

Janet Jackson Episodic

I've had company for the last five days, and spent most of it staring at the back of his head while he hogged my computer. So I shall just say...it's glad to be back and 'nuff said.

I was able to fix some fun food, as in the salmon quiche I whipped up for breakfast one morning.

All my food looks alike, why is that?

Anyway, one of the things I did to escape was make an excuse to go to the post office and then I went to the park to chill out for a while! McKinley Park is a lovely park, it has a library, tennis courts, duck pond and a famous rose garden. I usually go to the rose garden end of it, and so I've never been to the kid area or...surprise surprise! the pool area.

All these years (18+) and I never went to the pool. It's not exactly a priority. I don't like to get wet and I don't want green hair!

But for some reason, the siren call of the wild pool lured me to Walmart where I was directed to the last 3 remaining swimsuits of the season. One was brown on brown with a GIANT skirt in size 3X. One was vomit color with bile streaks and a giant metal RING smack dab in the middle of the chest...like a heat magnet, sucking the sun's rays to fry your skin to a crackling sizzle in just that spot, and the third one was, sigh of resignation, tropical print.

Even though the tropical print one was my size, it did not have enough fabric on top to cover a 6 year olds' chest, much less a size 42DD. I looked and looked for something on the sale rack that could work as an extra top or under-T to wear with it but couldn't find anything. I just decided to take my chances, what the heck, it's a bathing suit not a Prom Dress.

And I went to the pool! And I loved it! I paid my 2 bucks and I got slowly into the cool, brisk water and I swam and I floated and I did some water-aerobics and I ignored the stares of the young punks, Goths, Vampyres and gang members lounging around the poolside. Eventually I got out of the pool, walked over to where I'd put my stuff and grabbed my towel...

and saw that my entire left breast was flopping in the breeze for all to see and admire! A full-court Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction, in broad daylight, at Mckinley Park Pool. I should have sold tickets.

They had these flip-flops for a mere $1.75 so I had to get them.

I came home and overhauled it, sewing the straps different and etc; and I'm sure next time I'll wear a colored undershirt with it!

Mackie, although not wild about tropical prints, was not so revolted that he refused to be photographed with my new bathing suit.

And that was my Sunday. May all your pool episodes be devoid of full frontal nudity!

Julia, Julia, Wherefore Art Thou, Julia?

I've been doing more to my bathroom...

It takes a lot of work to get that cluttered, decluttered look!

This old migrant worker orange-crate chest had to be painted off-white and taupe.

And I had to do all of it in between watching old Julia Child reruns on PBS. She was so funny, but I am not sure she knew she was funny! Maybe I mean clumsy? Her knives were never sharp enough, she was always dropping things, and she would forget to use a hot pad and grab something fresh out of the oven and burn herself.

You'd never get away with that in today's overly-scripted TV world! Even our 'reality TV' shows are nothing like reality!

There was a show that I'd seen before and always hoped to see again: it's the one where she devotes an entire episode to omelets. She makes omelet after omelet.

For an hour. Not for the faint-hearted!

She makes so many omelets in that one segment to make you think you could do it in your sleep. How hard could it be? She says anyone can do it and I believe her!

Of course it's much harder than it looks. I couldn't flip it by shaking the pan the way she showed, and I couldn't get the butter to sizzle but not burn to a brown foam before I got the egg poured. And I couldn't get the egg to just float on the top of the pan of butter the way she does it, either!

My first omelet was rubbery and that's an understatement. I think I overcooked it a tad.

But then I tried again. I think if I made maybe....oh....340,007 more of them, I'd get the hang of it! In the meantime, it was still 'good eating!'

Bon Apetit!

Crab Clutter

There is the bad clutter: the kind that comes from an overflow of accumulation!




And then there is the good kind of clutter:

Crab Clutter!!!!!!

Happy Harvest, everyone.

White on White

There's nothing like a good purging yard sale to make you want to rethink your entire collecting strategy. For decades I've been all about the shabby chic, Granny, cluttered, colorful tea party type of look. Mixed florals, giant blowsy roses, florals on top of florals.

But suddenly! I just want white on white. Minimalistic; creamy white; refreshing.

So I took down the chickens, the butter yellow, the rich floral shower curtain..

And this is what it looks like now!

I used my Grandma Ponsonby's antique white sheet for the shower curtain. And real antique barber towels on the towel rack.

And not a floral print in sight!

Okay, well....maybe just one or two...