Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Apo-Calypso Chapter 5 Part 5

Chapter 5 Part 5

There in a recliner by the window were the remains of an elderly lady.  She appeared to have died in her chair while napping. It seemed a peaceful way to go. But how did this happen? She must have died right BEFORE everyone was dusted. As dead flesh, she would not have the triggering device in the DNA that turned her to cinders.

“Looks like she’s been dead about a week.” said Panda.

For some reason this pissed Dell off. “HOW do you know THAT? You can’t possibly look at her and know how many days she’s been dead! For Crying out Loud, Panda! That is such a load of bullshit!”

Panda did not argue. She realized she must have sounded like a poncy ass almost as soon as the words had left her mouth. “I know! I’m sorry! You’re right! I guess I’m just saying that she must have been dead BEFORE, you know. Before all the other people left.”

“Oh, right. I see what you mean.” said Dell. “What are we supposed to do about her, though? I mean, we can’t just leave her here can we?”

Panda thought about this for a moment. “I know! There is a crematorium just up the street at East Lounge Cemetery. We could take her there.”

“We aren’t taking her there in MY truck!” said Dell. “I’d never get the smell out.”

“Right. Let’s just use one from the street.” I’ll grab some blankets or sheets to wrap her in. You look in the kitchen for large garbage bags and some rubber gloves okay?”

Dell found one pair of thick rubber gloves in the first spot she looked: under the kitchen sink; and like every kitchen in the world organized by a woman, the box of thick black garbage bags was under there as well. To make up for her earlier snafu with the Vaseline/Vick’s, she grabbed 4 large Ziploc freezer bags to use as another set of gloves. She had learned that from Panda years ago in one of her lengthy preachy survival tirades. A double layer of Ziploc baggies on your hands would be an excellent substitute for surgical gloves in the event there were vast amounts of bodies to be removed from the scene. The Zombie Scene.

“Oh Cool! Good Job!” smiled Panda. At least she appeared to be smiling but you couldn’t tell as she too had grabbed a thick towel from the linen closet and wrapped it around her mouth.

Together they carefully wrapped the old women in sheets and then did their best to stuff her into a garbage bag.  Moving her made the smell even worse and before they could even get her to the street Dell had to stop and vomit on the sidewalk outside the front door. Panda’s eyes were watering and her nose was running which at least helped keep the smell out until she had to sniff and then it was a double whammy.

While Dell ran to the edge of the yard to get some semblance of fresh air in her lungs, Panda searched for a viable vehicle on the street. Right next door was a Chevy pickup with the keys on the ground and she thanked her lucky stars for a good old fashioned flat bed truck! In the back went the body, into the cab went the girls where they cranked the a/c and breathed in deep sobbing gasps.

“This is when you want to be really, really happy that the world didn’t end with a virus. Imagine living as a survivor surrounded by billions of dead rotting bodies!” said Panda as she pulled a U-ie in the middle of the street and headed the shortest route back to the East Lounge Cemetery on Folsom Blvd.

Pulling into the gates of the beautiful park like cemetery, Dell had a thought. 

“What are we going to do? Find an open grave and dump her in it? I mean, you don’t know how to fire up a crematorium oven do you?”

Panda knew just what she meant. “I know. I mean I would imagine you just fire up the jets on the gas oven, right? Slide her in on a moving conveyer belt? I’ve seen it in movies but not in any kind of documentary or anything.”

“Why does it have to be called a CRÈME-atoriam?” pondered Dell. “It makes it sound like somewhere fun. Somewhere delicious like a candy Emporium. 

Welcome to the Palace of Sweets Crematorium. Get your freshly blended cream filled candies.’ ”

While we toast your loved ones like a marshmallow!” finished Panda.  When all else fails, opt for hilarity.

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