Moron of the Sea

As I stated earlier this week, I am helping good old Patrick to sell this boat by posting an ad on Craigslist. It's how I sold all my furniture, china and worldly goods, so I'm experienced. Although I never compliment myself, I know all my friends say I know my way around a witty post.

In this particular case, I am totally unable to answer any questions about this boat and so the ad clearly states "Do not reply to this posting by email, Please use the phone number listed below in LARGE PRINT." And at the bottom of the ad it says, "Please don't email me any questions about this boat for sale. Call Patrick, as he is the Boating Answer Man, and the one who is selling this boat."

So, you know where this is going, right? I received the following email:

Does this come with the slip? Fee’s
How close is the parking?
When was the last marine survey of the hull?
Last time out the water for painting?
Has it been used for both fresh and salt water?

Now, never mind about the oddly worded "slip? Fee's" because I often? question what I'm saying before I finish my? Sentence's. But the kinds of questions this person asks reminds me of the old saying " A little knowledge is a dangerous? Thing."

So I had to write this fella back and try my best to answer the questions he had asked of me: The Nautically Impaired Advice Chick.

First of all, for those of you not 'in the boating know', the size of boat in question here is 39' long. It is an actual Ocean Going Wessel, so it's not one of those you can load on your little boat trailer and take home each weekend to park in your driveway to annoy your neighbors because all your cars then have to go on the street since there's no room for them. No, this kind of boat needs to be docked in the water and that involves paying rent on a parking space, or as we sea-lubber's like to call it, a slip.

Most people buying a car, for instance, do not inquire of the used dealer if the price of the car includes a paid parking space somewhere. Usually, a person is on their own when it comes to parking garages, meters, and paid lots. It's just never included in the price of the car.

So my answer to the slip? Fee's question would have to be a NO! Boats and Cars are not normally sold with free parking included.

Second Question: How Close is the parking?

Well, you moron. That would depend. If you've just cruised on over to the Bahamas, you are not going to be that close to the pier where you left your car. If you are docked in the middle of the Sacramento River, you could perhaps drive right down to the shore and then take a dinghy across to your boat. But that's up to YOU. We cannot sell this boat with a guarantee of 'close parking'.

The third and fourth questions are actually sensible ones, but of course as I had said in the ad, he'd have to Ask Patrick.

Final Question: Has it been used for both fresh and salt water? Okay, please tell me you are laughing by? now. Because this is soooo silly! It's a MARINE TRAWLER. Big enough to go A-seaing! It actually requires a Captain and a CREW to run it smoothly. It hasn't been kept in your backyard swimming pool for it's entire life. There is a good chance that it has been in SALT WATER at some point since it's maiden launch back in 1977. And since it's currently docked in the Sacramento River, that means it has been in Fresh Water, too! But this is like asking, "That used BMW you are selling...Has it been on freeways and city streets?" Like isn't this kind of a no-brainer?

I don't know. I've never bought a boat, nor am I likely too. All Things Nautical are a Mystery to me, and a damp, musty smelling one at that. But I know for sure that if I was contemplating a boat purchase, I would be asking how many miles were on the engine; if there was clear title to the deed of ownership; will you take payments or help me finance somehow; some indication as to the maintenance history, etc; And I'd be asking if I could take it for a test drive.

Actually, to be honest, I'd probably ask if the galley came stocked with cool anchor-imprinted china and a silver Captain's Tea Set.

Does the boat come with a Salty Dog?