Saturday, September 01, 2007

Avoiding Hellfire

This morning as I was stumbling about half blind and in need of a cup of tea, the doorbell rang. Not knowing who it could be I cautiously opened the door. It took but a moment to notice the gaunt peaked face of a proselytizer with his copy of Wake Up and Die Right in his hand. I believe I cried out "Oh Lord, Save me!" before slamming the door and attending to my teapot.

He was no doubt one of those poor downtrodden souls from the Church of Fred's Witnesses. This non-merry band of people believe that God has a name and His Name is Fred, and if you don't call Him by the Name of Fred, and join their Woe-Band of Freddies, you will die in a fiery hell of burning crimson flames and there will be none to save ye. Because you will be calling out the WRONG NAME, and Fred won't hear you! If you DO join the Freddies in order to Avoid Hellfire, you will then be informed that it's not enough just to Join the Church of Fred's Witnesses, and call God by the name of Fred, you must now make Damn Sure that there isn't a single soul on the face of this earth who does not at least HEAR THE NAME of Fred so that they, too can join the proper conduit for worshipping Him. And so you must suffer the doom of endlessly traipsing door to door in American towns, carrying your newsprint copy of Wake Up and Die Right magazine, and hoping to get the chance to wave it in someone's face and strike them with fear long enough to stun them into listening to the Truth from your lips.

I guess I just wonder. Is it the least little bit likely that in the United States of America there is anyone left who has NOT formed a system of belief and a covenant of faith with their own religion? Most of us embrace the church of our families. Some of us branch out into other faiths and explorations, but I would hazard a guess that by the time one is an adult property owner or a renter, he/she has Long Since decided by what Name he or she will call Him. And I'm not about to bargain away my faith out of a fear of hellfire. I guess I'll fritter and fry then, but I would much prefer the Freddies to head out to somewhere they can REALLY make a difference. Like Darfur or Sudan. Because my God doesn't have just One Name, and He'll listen even if I say nothing at all. I don't have to get His name right or die!

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