The Checks in the Mail. The Checks in the Mail.

I recently closed out my savings account with a well-known bank because it was costing me more to pay the service charge than I actually had in the account. Realizing that this means they'd be transferring the 4 dollar monthly service fee from my checkbook automatically and causing mayhem and madness for me, I closed the account.

The young buckaroo who processed this request, although adorable, didn't seem too savvy about what he was doing and the results were that he closed out a few other things of mine, as well. Such as online bill-paying. And overdraft protection. Oops.

It took a call or two to the Customer Service Center, which by the way is in the Philippines where they have even LESS savvy about what they are doing. I'm sorry but when I spoke with a representative and told her my dilemma she said, "Cool it lady, cool it!" I was so shocked! I thought this was some kind of Beatnik Throwback! She appeared to have a smile in her voice as she was saying it so maybe she was just stoned.

Anyway, my online bill pay faculties were restored and that seemed to take care of the rest of the problems.

Until Wednesday when I got a package of checks in the mail. Which I hadn't ordered, and which were the wrong style of check from what I use. And which were numbered incorrectly from the sequence I already have. Since these checks cost about 9 bucks a box, there is NO WAY I wanted to pay for them, and besides I'm just paranoid of the way the world works these days to think this was a harbinger of bigger doom to come.

So, back to the Philippines where I was told that they had no such record of me ordering checks (that's what I'm trying to tell you!) and there was no charge on my account for those checks so 'no worries, lady.' (Do I perhaps have the Philippines all wrong? I thought they were hyper-active over-achievers always waiting to stab you in the back, but it appears they are a sea-loving people with many beach parties.)

The young man of the Islands told me to return the checks to my branch so they could credit my account for them. (didn't he just say I hadn't been charged for them?) so that is what I did.

The bank teller herself was totally confused and wanted me to keep the checks. No thanks! I'd have to shred them myself and have you ever tried to destroy a set of checks? You have to tear them apart with your bare hands before you can shred them. It's slow work and you end up with visions of squatting over a primitive fire and gnawing some rawhide to make sinew to sew your mukluks, at least that's the kind of thing I think when I'm trying to tear phone books in half.

Well, guess what? Yesterday, which was Thursday, I opened the door to the UPS man who delivered me a package of...can you guess? Can you? Can you? CHECKS!!!!

Another Box of Checks!

Only these are the kind that come in a big book like a receipt book and are for businesses to use. Along with a giant package of mail-in deposit envelopes. Which of course I did not order and which sent me down another fantasy train in which at the end of the month I was buried alive in my apartment underneath a giant pile of boxed checks.

I quickly called the Customer Service number and was of course routed to the Philippines again and this time I was told 'you are crazy, lady, but I'm going to try and help you anyway.'

So this morning I am off to return the strange boxed set of checks to my branch and PROVE I am not crazy. What do they think, I'm manufacturing these in my kitchen like a little mini meth-lab? For what purpose? So I can write myself bad checks? So I can mess with their minds? So I can overthrow the Philippino Government? None of it makes sense, I tell you. And there is no record of these checks being ordered whatsoever. They just seem to be creating themselves at the check factory and shipping themselves to me. But WHY? WHY? WHY?