Ritual Beheading

This morning as I was blithely slicing away at my legs, I noticed that I still had the plastic guard over the razor blade. This led me to ponder the whole process of haircuts and shaving.

There is real scientific fact behind the belief that the phases of the moon effect our world. Like the tides, for instance. And how people go lunatic on the Full Moon. So I never had a problem with my Great Granny's rule that you never cut your hair when the moon was waning. It would stunt the growth of the hair. You had to cut your hair when it was waxing so that you could have longer, more luxurious hair.

I don't know why I would want to get my hair cut during a time guaranteed to make it grow faster, since it grows like a weed anyway and haircuts that are too frequent are anathema to me.

I consider a haircut to be a ritual beheading. Good for the soul, very cleansing, a great way to make a statement about change and purpose in your life, but if you aren't careful you end up with nothing but a stump for a neck and no longer able to navigate through life using your brain and your eyes.

Yesterday I got one of those VERY bad haircuts. It's a fact of life, practically a scientific fact, that whatever instructions you give the hairdresser, they do the opposite.

I only have two rules: Don't give me a dyke haircut, and don't give me an old lady haircut. I'm heavy, my bone structure got lost years ago as it sunk deeper and deeper into the fleshy, fatty bog that is my face, and I just want to have trendy hair to make up for my biological, genetic and willpower failures.

I went into one of those 12 dollar places--impulsive, I know, but when the urge for a haircut is upon me it's like itchy hives until I can get one--and I was immediately happy with the decor. It had antiques and real art on the walls. That's an amazing bonus as far as I can tell: It just means a guarantee of a great haircut, right? Someone with decorating taste would be up on all the best, new trends in hair fashion, correct?

Sure, if the place had been decorated like Ikea. But these were antiques. And the staff was Vietnamese. Don't make me go on. You can see where this is going. All I wanted was some of the bulk cut out of the back and sides so I would stop looking like Bubble-Hair Barbie. I didn't want anything off the length and I didn't want my bangs shorter and I would like some more chunky layers using the texturizing scissors.

What I got instead was a poufy, super-short, non-layered, short bangs style upon which texturizing scissors never came into play.

And the girl told me, "You look really stylish from the back." I'll be sure to walk backwards, now, until the next waxing moon phase.

Then! The 12 dollar haircut morphed into a 20 dollar haircut. Why didn't I see this coming? Somebody has to pay for all those antiques and art, after all. I was told that the 12 dollars was actually for MEN, but women have to pay 15. Then, I was told that there would be a 2 dollar surcharge for using my debit card for any amount under 20 dollars. Then the girl said, "So, that's 17 dollars and what do you want to leave for my tip?"

She actually DEMANDED a tip from me! And I caved in! Standing there with my short, shaggy hair that only looks good from the back, I actually gave that woman a 3 dollar tip.

Which brought my total up to 20 bucks which means that she didn't have to charge the surcharge after all and probably just gave herself a 5 dollar tip on the sly.

Let me pull out of that math slump now and go on to say that it has just dawned on me that if the waxing/waning moon thing works for the hair on my head, why wouldn't it work for the hair on my legs? I could save a lot of money on disposable razors and blunt far less of those plastic safety covers while trying to wear away the hair like erosion on sandstone. And the money I would save could be horded up and spent on a really GOOD haircut. Someday. When the moon is waxing.