My cousin sent me a note about summoning her inner Drill Sergeant in order to get out of bed on a cold day. It is along the lines of the thoughts I’ve been thinking about how I have to really coerce myself with brutal force to walk down some of the thorny paths I’ve had to walk down this past year.
I know I SHOULD be a better person, and I SHOULD ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ and I ‘should’ PUSH THROUGH IT to get to what’s better on the other side…except that it’s been so long since I actually did make it through to the other side, I have no actual memory of things having gotten better from all that agony, sweat, and endeavor.
Frankly, it occurs to me that nothing changes at ALL no matter HOW hard I push myself to be better, do better, live wider, etc;. I got to pondering what the hell difference it really makes anyway? My poor inner symbiote of a soul is just a tortured entity anyway. I don’t do much to nurture it or ‘feed’ it as they say. And forcing myself to be a better person all the time doesn’t seem to make my soul any happier, either!
This is what I wrote on a little scrap of paper a couple days ago. I’ve been thinking it’s a new way to live:
Explore NOT pushing through fears. Explore how that could be okay,and not have repercussions. Explore this as an anxiety treatment.
By Jove I think I’m onto something! Because the way I’ve been living: constantly having these elevated expectations of what I should be doing with my life and yet always living in a state of failure, well, that can’t be good, right? How can that be all that healthy? We seem to think we are here to grow and change and all, and I think I did plenty of it when I was younger. But now I don’t really have the will and I don’t really have a way. I have to think about how this new way of processing could be okay for me, and that it doesn’t have to turn me into a Giant Pig Sloth who is a lazy good for nothing and a non-producer! Right? Right!
Because frankly? I’m so sick of my own inner rat race! I have no problem getting the dishes done, the work day completed, etc; It's just all those inner chores of being a better person, staying on a diet, trying to embrace some new activity, pushing myself to be more social when I’m wracked with weird social anxieties: all those kinds of things are the things that I have come to realized might not make a damn bit of difference if I do them or if I don’t. It’s practically a paradigm in my thinking! What the hell difference does it make if I never conquer my fear of trolley cars? Seriously. I feel like a failure all the time anyway, so why keep pressuring myself to conquer, conquer, conquer especially when I never really do anything about any of it?
I think it’s like I live under the mistaken belief that if I push on a bruise it will heal it faster! Right! NO!!! All it does it make it hurt more often than necessary.
I think that may be the closest I get to a New Year’s Resolution this year! Explore NOT pushing through fears! Let it be Okay to DO NOTHING and not suffer huge pangs of spiritual remorse like I’m failing at my life’s plan or something. Put that on a while and wear it around and see how it feels. Better than the hair shirt I’ve been wearing for decades, that’s what I think!
That is it for me for today! Hope you have a lazy, non-productive, and non-feeling guilty about it New Year or at the very least one in which your Inner Drill Sergeant takes a long coffee break!
And here's a sneak peek at my new slacker quilt: All paisleys and made from BIG BLOCKS! Whipped it up in no time flat and just love it!
I know I SHOULD be a better person, and I SHOULD ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ and I ‘should’ PUSH THROUGH IT to get to what’s better on the other side…except that it’s been so long since I actually did make it through to the other side, I have no actual memory of things having gotten better from all that agony, sweat, and endeavor.
Frankly, it occurs to me that nothing changes at ALL no matter HOW hard I push myself to be better, do better, live wider, etc;. I got to pondering what the hell difference it really makes anyway? My poor inner symbiote of a soul is just a tortured entity anyway. I don’t do much to nurture it or ‘feed’ it as they say. And forcing myself to be a better person all the time doesn’t seem to make my soul any happier, either!
This is what I wrote on a little scrap of paper a couple days ago. I’ve been thinking it’s a new way to live:
Explore NOT pushing through fears. Explore how that could be okay,and not have repercussions. Explore this as an anxiety treatment.
By Jove I think I’m onto something! Because the way I’ve been living: constantly having these elevated expectations of what I should be doing with my life and yet always living in a state of failure, well, that can’t be good, right? How can that be all that healthy? We seem to think we are here to grow and change and all, and I think I did plenty of it when I was younger. But now I don’t really have the will and I don’t really have a way. I have to think about how this new way of processing could be okay for me, and that it doesn’t have to turn me into a Giant Pig Sloth who is a lazy good for nothing and a non-producer! Right? Right!
Because frankly? I’m so sick of my own inner rat race! I have no problem getting the dishes done, the work day completed, etc; It's just all those inner chores of being a better person, staying on a diet, trying to embrace some new activity, pushing myself to be more social when I’m wracked with weird social anxieties: all those kinds of things are the things that I have come to realized might not make a damn bit of difference if I do them or if I don’t. It’s practically a paradigm in my thinking! What the hell difference does it make if I never conquer my fear of trolley cars? Seriously. I feel like a failure all the time anyway, so why keep pressuring myself to conquer, conquer, conquer especially when I never really do anything about any of it?
I think it’s like I live under the mistaken belief that if I push on a bruise it will heal it faster! Right! NO!!! All it does it make it hurt more often than necessary.
I think that may be the closest I get to a New Year’s Resolution this year! Explore NOT pushing through fears! Let it be Okay to DO NOTHING and not suffer huge pangs of spiritual remorse like I’m failing at my life’s plan or something. Put that on a while and wear it around and see how it feels. Better than the hair shirt I’ve been wearing for decades, that’s what I think!
That is it for me for today! Hope you have a lazy, non-productive, and non-feeling guilty about it New Year or at the very least one in which your Inner Drill Sergeant takes a long coffee break!
And here's a sneak peek at my new slacker quilt: All paisleys and made from BIG BLOCKS! Whipped it up in no time flat and just love it!
1 comment:
brilliant!
going to fix more tea for my drill sgt..... :-)
Queen Q
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